I want my Disney MOVIE!!!

So, as Super Tuesday is fast approaching, (February 5th to be exact, the day I will be purchasing The Aristocats movie on Disney DVD) I decided to see what all the hoopla was all about. I haven't really been keeping up with the 2008 Election, so I don't know where everyone stands, besides the fact that John Edward (bless his lovely cute soul) dropped out of the Democratic race as well as Rudy Gulliani from the Republican race, due mostly to his loss in Florida (no tears for Rudy; He betrayed the Yanks).

So, I hear that for the Republicans, Senator John McCain is currently in the lead. That old timer. He's going to be the Republican candidate, not doubt. Don't know what happened to Governor Mitt Romney or Governor Mike Huckabee, but at this point, I don't think it really matters, since McCain is so much in the lead...(though "Huckabee" is a very fun name).

As for the Donkeys, it's a very close race between Senator Clinton and Senator Obama. Since it's such a close race, I decided to check each Senators' site and read up on their "issues." Here, I posted the top three issues as they appear on each candidates' site, and one bonus issue that I found interesting.  

Hillary Clinton's Top Three Issues: (As they appear on her site)

STRENGTHENING THE MIDDLE CLASS

America's middle class is under siege and ready for change. People are working harder and longer for less and less. For six long years, America's middle class and working families have been invisible to our president. When Hillary is in the White House, no American will be invisible to the president of the United States.

ENDING THE WAR IN IRAQ

America is ready for a leader who will end the war in Iraq. Hillary's roadmap out of Iraq, the Iraq Troop Protection and Reduction Act of 2007, is a plan to end the war before the next president takes the oath of office. But if the Bush administration won't end the war, as president and commander in chief, Hillary will.

PROMOTING ENERGY INDEPENDENCE AND FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING

The choices we make about energy touch nearly every aspect of our lives. Our economy, our national security, our health, and the future of our planet are all at stake as we make a choice between energy independence and dependence on foreign sources of oil. Hillary has proposed an Apollo Project-like program dedicated to achieving energy independence.

Here's the issue I thought was interesting, in all of it's uniqueness. I very much appreciate this issue.

A CHAMPION FOR WOMEN

Hillary's historic statement in 1995 that "women's rights are human rights" still echoes worldwide. As a lawyer, advocate, First Lady, and senator, Hillary has fought for issues important to women here at home and around the world for decades. Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.

Barak Obama's Top Three Issues: (Again, as they appear on his site)

Civil Rights

There is no more fundamental American right than the right to vote. Before the landmark 1965 Voting Rights Act, barriers such as literacy tests, poll taxes and property requirements disenfranchised many Americans, especially minorities. More than 40 years later, there are still numerous obstacles to ensuring that every citizen has the ability to vote.

Disabilities

"We must build a world free of unnecessary barriers, stereotypes, and discrimination .... policies must be developed, attitudes must be shaped, and buildings and organizations must be designed to ensure that everyone has a chance to get the education they need and live independently as full citizens in their communities."

Economy

As president, Barack Obama will implement a 21st century economic agenda to help ensure that America can compete in a global economy, and ensure the middle class is thriving and growing. He will increase investments in infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development; modernize and simplify our tax code so it provides greater opportunity and relief to more Americans; and implement trade policies that benefit American workers and increase the export of American goods.

I especially thought this issue was interesting. I would never think "Faith" would be an issue for a political campaign. 

Faith

In June of 2006, Senator Obama delivered what was called the most important speech on religion and politics in 40 years. Speaking before an evangelical audience, Senator Obama candidly discussed his own religious conversion and doubts, and the need for a deeper, more substantive discussion about the role of faith in American life.

Man, I can't wait to get a hold of that Aristocats DVD (because I'm that insensitive about the current political situation in this country and rather have the company of aristocats instead of aristocrats. *sighs*)

Something to put on Ellen....

So laddies, it looks like an abandoned US spy satellite is going to crash into Earth in late February or early March. Stupid people of the National Security Council just released this report and people at NASA have no idea where on the Earth the satellite will crash land.

The satellite, which no longer can be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down, they said. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret. It was not clear how long ago the satellite lost power, or under what circumstances.

And...

The spacecraft contains hydrazine — which is rocket fuel — according to a government official who was not authorized to speak publicly but spoke on condition of anonymity. Hydrazine, a colorless liquid with an ammonia-like odor, is a toxic chemical and can cause harm to anyone who contacts it.

Though one of my favorite parts of this article was:

Pike, director of the defense research group GlobalSecurity.org, estimated that the spacecraft weighs about 20,000 pounds and is the size of a small bus. He said the satellite would create 10 times less debris than the Columbia space shuttle crash in 2003. Satellites have natural decay periods, and it's possible this one died as long as a year ago and is just now getting ready to re-enter the atmosphere, he said.

A small bus? And, oh yeah, of course it's good that it will create 10 times less debris than the Columbia space shuttle, but aren't we forgetting that the satellite contains hydrazine that toxic chemical mentioned above? Well laddies, I guess we'll have to keep an eye out for falling spy satellites and rain showers of toxic chemicals (like acid rain wasn't bad enough).

Check Out Chegg

Hello laddies! 

Now, for those of you who are college students, buying books and textbooks and such cost mucho dinero, which most of us don't have cause we're COLLEGE students. But, never you fear, for I have discovered a website where you can BORROW your books. Of course, you have to pay a small fee (and shipping) to receive it, but to send it back, it's free. This lovely website is called Chegg and I hope it helps you, like it helps me.

Dead Post

So laddies, there was nothing interesting on Ellen today. No wolves, no lions, and no elephants. It made me sad to see that there were no interesting guest either. Tomorrow she's having Ryan Seacrest on the show to help her celebrate her 50th birthday. Personally, I don't think she needs Ryan to help her out with that one.

Also laddies, there is no good celebrity news (or gossip, as it is most commonly called) filtering through the servers and Perez's blog is mostly filled with Heath Ledger news, which I have abandoned because it is old news and people die everyday. Though, honestly, I guess it's better than Britney and Wino. *shrugs*

It's cold and I enjoy making people little "Happy Birthday" pic-thingys on photoshop. Yeah, I think this post died the minute I said that Ellen had no elephants on her show.

Elephants on Ellen

Hello laddies!

So today, Ellen had an elephant on her show. I thought that was pretty amazing. She was throwing honeydew melons at it.

Anyway, my life seems less eventful now that I'm back at skool. Ha ha ha! But alas, it does. It's a very sad thing. I feel a wave of dread when I step one toe into the campus; it's horrible. In other news...People are weird.

A moment for Heath

Now laddies, I would like to initiate a moment of silence for the late actor Heath Ledger, who died this afternoon in SoHo, New York City. He was an amazing actor and he will be missed. It is such a tragedy, I couldn't believe it when I read it on Perez's blog at around 3:40 in the afternoon. Now take a moment and soak up that first scene where we see Heath in 10 Things I Hate About You. Now, soak up his role as Casanova and praise his role in Brokeback Mountain. Now, go watch those three movies if you have yet to see them. Shame on you!

And so laddies, with all that said and done, the lesson I leave you with is this: SLEEPING PILLS ARE BAD FOR YOU! Especially Ambien CR. So don't take them, okay?

One More Reason To LOVE Ellen DeGeneres

If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely LOVE Ellen DeGeneres. She is amazing and is one of the reasons I survived my first term of college. I have tons of reasons why I love Ellen. She played the voice of Dory in one of my favorite Disney/Pixar movies, Finding Nemo, and she beat Oprah (who I hate, by the way) at being the #1 Favorite TV Personality in this new poll, AND she plays Guitar Hero (even on her show!), but I love her EVEN MORE because of what she did on today's show.

Ellen had the Jonas Brothers (who I think need haircuts. Nick is starting to look like Hair Bear and Joe almost resembles Captain Caveman.) on her show today and I was all "Oh boy," and "Please don't perform SOS again." Anyway, Ellen tried to bring up the apparent "break-up" of Nick and Miley, but was thwarted by Joe. But then Ellen (ah, I love her for it) says "What's with falling down all the time? Who keeps falling down?" bring up the subject of Joe falling during the AMAs as well as his head injury from when he ran into that wall. She then makes the boys watch the AMAs moment over again and then she presented Joe with a present. It was a baby blue football helmet with a microphone attached to it that had Ellen written in white across it. I died in hysterics.

This is definitely another reason why I love Ellen.

I LOVE John "the Douchebag" Mayer even MORE!

Evening laddies. I'm currently watching a rerun of tonights Project Runway, and I can't get over Christian and Chris' "avant-garde" look. Anyway, that is not the point to this post, if you've noticed from the title of this post.

I LOVE John "the Douchebag" Mayer...and here's why:

On his blog, the entry "Pop Rocks," he wrote how he loves the 45 seconds of the "I Think She Knows" Interlude on Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned" song. I myself, love that part too. "Lovestoned" is an okay song, but that part of the song is hawt. Anyway, I guess John got a little over the top with that 45 second blip of a song that he composed this:

...and I absolutely LOVE him for it. It is pure AWESOMENESS!!

Nut Castles

Good morning laddies.

Now my head hurts and I'm kind of tired, but I just wanted to leave you with this:

Try to avoid nuts from this guy. Looks like he spends more time playing with them and making them into nut castles than he does selling them. Plus, he was yelling at me. (>_<)

New York, London, Paris, Munich. Everybody Talk about Pop Muzik!

So laddies, yesterday my brother and I spent the whole day listening to our parents' vinyl records on our pretty old record player. And we both agreed that from the hundreds of records our parents have the best was the 33' Pop Muzik record by M. Now, as I was looking for a YouTube video of this song to show you why this song is such magical music GENIUS, I got sidetrack because I accidently clicked on the wrong video, and then that video led me to another video, and then that led me to another, and I think you get it now. Anyway, what I found was quite amusing (as always) and you wouldn't believe how many people made similar vids like these: (the highlights are shown)

When I first heard that I (meanly) thought That still sounds like Avril. 

Crank to this.

Anyway, here are others:

• Amy Winehouse - Rehab
• Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
• Kanye West - Stronger
• Jonas Brothers - SOS
• Gimme More - Britney Spears (I just love the "It's Britney Bitch" part)

Well, when I was looking at all of those Chipmunk versions (you can find more songs here), I came across this one and I just had to see what it was all about. Needless to say, I was amuse. ^.^ The voices are quite fitting, I must say.

Okay, enough distractions. Here is what I really wanted you to see and hear:

*Sigh* Oh 1979...how I love thee.

My personal beliefs (I apologize in advance because I have them)

My dearest laddies,

I am dying. And as much as I can already hear you saying "no you aren't" and "you douche" believe me when I say that I am dying; because odds are, you are dying too.

I stood home today, just like every other day I guess, and I watched The Bucket List, with Morgan Freedman and Jack Nicholson. It was a good movie, if you like those types of movies about making a difference in one's life and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, it got me thinking. Maybe I should write a "bucket list?" I mean, it's like a list of your goals in life (at least all the ones you want to get down before you "kick the bucket.") and it should be interesting. Anyway, I decided to write one, yet I don't have much:

• See Times Square pitch black (currently working on this)
• Go on a safari through the Congo (if it still exists after Global Warming)
• Visit the Amazon (if it still exists)
• Go to Australia, India, Thailand, Japan, China, Italy, France, England, Scotland, Ireland, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, The Bahamas, Mexico, Egypt...Canada (I just need to get out of this country!)
• Visit Sydney (the city), The Taj Mahal, Tokyo, The Great Wall of China, Florence, Venice, Rome (esp. The Coliseum), Paris, The Alps, London, Edinburg, Dublin, Barcelona, Madrid, Rio, Buenos Ares, The Mayan ruins, the Great Pyramids of Giza...CANADA!
• Produce a movie in which I directed, produced, written, acted, filmed, hand picked the musical score, chosen the actors, etc (like a one man show)
• Win a notable award (a Grammy, Emmy, Oscar, NY Times Bestseller, Noble Prize, a damn neon orange Nickelodeon Blimp...)
• Go white water rafting
• Swim with dolphins (if they still exist...due to crazy Japanese fishermen, who don't realize that humans aren't meant to eat dolphin meat.)
• Visit Sesame Street
• Witness a severe natural disaster (a volcano eruption, a category 5 hurricane, a tornado, an earthquake, a tsunami...) and live
• Crash one of Ellen Degeneres' birthday parties
• Befriend a pack of wolves
• Live in The White House AND Buckingham Palace
• Become (somehow) CEO and owner of Viacom (cause Viacom owns many peoples' souls and so I can pay for everything I'll do listed above)

On a brighter note, I have a personal vendetta against plastic tupperware. I don't know why, I just find tupperware completely disgusting. I mean, have you ever noticed how plastic tupperware becomes discolored after you but a certain food into it (like cooked beans or meat sauce) and when you try to scrub off the coloring you can't because it's embedded itself into the plastic? Isn't that disgusting?

It's called GLOBAL WARMING!!

So laddies, here in New York it was 62 degrees and it's January 7th; and tomorrow is going to be 66 degrees, maybe even hitting 70 in the early afternoon. Are you concerned? Well, how about if I said that right now in New Mexico, they are suffering through a hugh blizzard? Yes, NEW MEXICO, I do believe that I wrote that clearly enough. People all over the Midwest and the West are suffering through severe flooding because of all of the thunderstorms occurring (like in Nevada?!?), but I simply can't get over the fact that it's snowing in New Mexico! I don't know about you, but I do believe something is wrong when you see people in short sleeve t-shirts sitting outside in Union Square park, drinking Jamba Juice smoothies in January.

Oh, it also seems as if Greenland's glaciers are melting faster, causing more fresh water to enter the Atlantic Ocean, there by causing sea levels to raise (and maybe cause a shift in the North Atlantic Current?). All of these changes have many glaciologists "a little nervous these days — shell-shocked," States Ted Scambos, the lead scientist of the National Snow and Ice Center. Well, um yeah, I would be nervous too. I mean, remember watching The Day After Tomorrow? I mean, yeah that movie sucked; the whole romance thing was stupid and that whole the "world is going to freeze in eight days" is scientifically inaccurate in that it can't happen that fast. But as for the world going through a major climate shift like it did in the movie, because the North Atlantic Current shifted direction (or stopped completely) that could happen (go watch Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth! It proves my point!). I say that this news should cause everyone to go ballistically nervous!

I find it discomforting that not many people take Global Warming seriously. I mean, HELLO! Without a stable climate pattern, there will be natural atrocities that will be happening GLOBALLY, not to mention the fact that diseases will spread throughout the world (think Malaria, Cholera, Avion Flu, etc) killing millions of people...and this will happen world wide! There will be immense food and water shortages, and just like the animals, we humans will begin to go extinct! Soon, malnutrition will take over and most of us won't be able to reproduce anymore and it will be The Children of Men all over again! Come on now, don't you think that's scary?

(Linkage to Bigger Picture of Map)

Nightmare on 42nd Street

Hello my laddies! It's been a few hours, yet thought I should update anyway. So, I went to see Juno today with two of my friends and my verdict is that it's great, very funny, and everyone should go see it. (Sort of like my post about Sweeney Todd that was on my old blog, which can be conveniently read probably at the bottom of this page now. :D) We had to go to two different theaters, because the first showing at 4:40 was sold out and we didn't want to wait until 7:55. We ended up at 42nd street and caught a 6:15 show. We also had to squish into two seat (the three of us) because the theater was so full that it seemed as if more tickets were sold than actual seat. Besides that, the movie was great.

I have decided--just like when I decided to refer to God as JOE--that my ultimate New Years resolution (or maybe my ultimate goal in life) is to see Times Square pitch black. I swear, there are too many freakin' lights emanating from the buildings that the street lights are completely useless. In my opinion it's really a waste of energy, but more importantly, I just want to Times Square with no lights. My friend suggested to get a whole bunch of immature New Yorkers to turn on a bunch of appliances and use a lot of energy simultaneously at a set time, on some random day in the summer, when people would normally use an excess of energy already, to cause a massive blackout, which we would see when we watch the lights go out at 42nd street, where we would plan to gather before hand. Now, I suggest we do this "planned blackout" on June 21, because it is the longest day of the year, as it is the summer solstice, and it would be "intellectually ironic" that there was a blackout on the day where it is said that the two realms (the living and the dead) mesh into each other or whatnot. I don't know; just go along with me on this one. If it doesn't work, I'm hoping to write a book about it called "Nightmare on 42nd Street" and hopefully get the book made into a movie so that Hollywood could CGI it onto the big screen. It's the closest I could possibly get to see my dream happen. Anyway, just keep this idea in mind. I might have a Facebook group link up in a few days for this.

I Must Mention...

So, I read Perez Hilton's blog. Yes, I is a loser....yet what are you?

Anyway, I took a look at it tonight, since I haven't looked at it in awhile. So far I have learned that Miley Cyrus is Britney 2.0 (can you say "I love you Perez?), Mel B fell down a flight of stairs on New Years, K-Fed hired more security because he feels compelled to "protect" the boys I believe he unrightfully (I know that's not a word but still!) stole from Britney, Taylor Hicks (and Ruben?!) have been dropped from J Records, and Steve Irwin's wife has contacted Steve from beyond?!? But the best yet has to be this:

Joe Jonas from the Jonas Brothers was rushed to the emergency room on Saturday, PerezHilton.com has exclusively learned.

Thankfully it's nothing too serious and he's alright now.

The tween heartthrob was "horsing around" backstage at a concert in Atlantic City and hit his head.

"He ran into a wall," a source tells us. (Linkage)

Okay...now I'm starting to think that his fall at the AMAs is something we all should reconsider deeply. I mean, if you were like me, you just sort of laughed hysterically at the irony of him falling on broken glass before singing SOS, then brushed it of as an "accident," but running head first into a wall? "He got a few stitches," they said. ?!?! They make it sound as if it wasn't so bad. I seriously question people's intelligence here. And now I'm starting to think this kid thinks he's Superman.

...or DJ Danja?

Cause really? Who runs head first into a wall?

Anyway, I think I've expressed my love towards everyone enough today already. Let's see what can amuse me next, shall we?

(Pictures used with the courtesy of PerezHilton.com, even if he doesn't know it.)

New Year...Compass Fixed Yet Still Lost

Hooey! I've been away. I apologize profusely.

Anyway, life has been fine. Lately here in New York it has been terribly cold. Like REALLY cold. The other day...actually it was today...I asked my friend if Chicago is as cold or worse than it was today and he told me it's worse, which I thought was weird cause Chicago is in the middle of the country and being as small minded as I could have possibly been, I assumed it wasn't as cold in Mid America. Actually, I assumed that it was fairly nice in Mid America. So much I know about the rest of the country outside of New York.

So, it was New Years a couple of days ago. (Actually the day I first posted. hehe) And like always, I have forgotten. I mean, I recall listening to people on TV count down and I recall watching the ball drop in Times Square on channel 7 and I distinctively recall Kevin and Joe Jonas' Tiny Tim and Sir Scrooge outfits and Dick Clark's emphazima -like voice invading the peace of my eardrums, but other than that nothing. I think I went to the movies that day. National Treasures Two to be exact. Awesome Nick Cage-ness.

Anyway, I have realized once again how much I actually do go out. I mean, I was hanging out with my friends who I haven't hung out with in AGES and I took them to Chinatown. But it was strange; I was actually the leader and they were following me. It's weird cause I usually have a horrible sense of direction, but ALAS, my compass has been fixed! It's amazing. It makes me feel all big-headed! Anyway, we hung out and of course as always someone has to become all "emolicious" on the rest of us. My friend Douglas became quite sullen because he feels like he's behind in life and that he should have accomplished more. My friend Amanda and I completely agreed with this, which I found quite shocking because I hardly ever agree with Douglas. Anyway, he feels "lost" and "behind" and I was all "well, join the club!" and that didn't cheer him up. *sighs*

Anyway, we end up going to this little concert thingy, to hear this band from Beacon High School (or they used to go to Beacon) called MayDay, play. (Link to MySpace provided: MayDay) Now, being the awful, horrible critic I am, they were alright (?). (Oh, I'm being too polite...) They played some useless ear-hurting crap as their first three songs, then played the stuff that I actually came to listen to: their niche sort to speak. They played about four songs (one being a Sublime Cover), reggae rock, sort of Sublime and 311 style (except no rapping, though I wouldn't know because the mics were so low, no one heard the actual lyrics.) Yet, all the Beacon 07 alumni didn't care, because to them they were the bees knees! To me, well....

Hey, I make fun of everybody.

Sick Passenger

So, my friend gave me the idea to do this little blog here. When she rides the trains, she keeps a small train journal, documenting her experiences while in travel. I thought the idea was kind of cool. I don't know why, but I find stories about one's travel quite interesting. Thus, I give you this here, random ass blog thing. So, forgive me in advance if I veer off on randomness that amuses me so, for "stories from travel" was my original concept for this blog. It probably won't be the concept in a few days. But, to just stick with the concept, I give you this:

For the first entry, I would like to share a story that a fellow New Yorker and author, Ned Vizzini wrote for the New York Press on January 1, 1999 (exactly nine years ago today). It is entitled, Sick Passenger.

Once I woke up on the 2 train eye-to-eye with an erect penis. It was being rubbed back and forth on the pole in front of me. I went back to sleep, hoping it was another one of those dreams. Once, on the F, I saw a perfectly healthy-looking Chinese woman lean back and spew vomit across the car in this amazing horizontal cone. And once an addled, bearded man spent a half-hour mumbling Doors lyrics at me and handed me a crisp $20 at the end of his performance. But this one was the best.

The characters involved, at least at the start, were me, Rick and the guy with the headphones. We were riding the downtown 4 train, Rick and I talking, the guy with the headphones rocking out, when I noticed something strange. Our fellow passengers were getting up and leaving through those "emergency exit" doors. I figured they were all going to the next car so they'd have less of a walk when they got to their stops. I often do that. If you need to walk a block, it's best to do it on the train, so it doesn't factor into your total travel time.

But no, these people weren't changing cars for efficiency, because I looked at the other end and over there, they were leaving the other way. Then I glanced toward the middle of the car.

A woman was there, taking a shit. I should've turned away immediately, but you don't see this too often, so I hunkered down and noticed the details. She was an older woman, maybe 60, clearly homeless, with a laundromat cart by her side. She had pulled off her pants and was squatting over her gray bench seat, with a steaming turd slipping out of her.

I turned to Rick. "Dude! We gotta go!"

Rick--who'd probably noticed the whole thing before me; he'd been very quiet the last few seconds--wouldn't move. He just stared at the Turd Mistress.

"Rick! C'mon!" I yelled, shaking him. He snapped out of it; we grabbed out backpacks and scrambled into the adjoining car. Now, this place was a scene. The whole car was packed with people who had fled the Crap Lady, so there was a real camaraderie. Everyone was talking:

"Did you see that?"

"My God, she just pulled off her pants and did it."

"I knew when she got on. I knew something was wrong. She smelled funny."

"When did she get on? Forty-second?"

"They should arrest her. You can't do that on the subway. There are signs."

"The signs are about pissing, not that."

And so on. It takes a disaster to bring together subway passengers. The Shit Queen got so many people talking, she must have hooked up a few couples. ("Well, precious, Daddy and I met when a nasty old woman made ka-ka on the train!")

A minute after Rick and I sat down, the headphones guy walked in, a horrified look on his face. He hadn't noticed anything until the smell hit him. I wonder what he was listening to; I'd really like to hear the CD that makes you ignore a drive-by shitting. Speaking of which, I was curious as to what the woman was up to, now that she had done her deed. I got up and peered through the doors into her car, where she was just sitting, next to her product, hands crossed in her lap. Completely alone. I wish I'd had a camera.

"I've seen a lot of stuff on the subway," Rick commented. "I've seen guys pissing and smelling and whacking off, but I never saw anybody clear a train like that."

"Yeah, there's a hierarchy," I mused. "If you stink, you get maybe a five-foot radius. If you're foaming at the mouth, you get 10 feet. This woman got hundreds of feet."

We pulled into the 14th St. station; the doors opened. Dozens of well-dressed riders--oblivious to our special passenger--moseyed off the platform and into her car. Ten seconds later they ran into our car, with some of the greatest expressions I have every seen. An Indian family bounced in, gibbering, the little girl completely agape, the little boy covering his mouth. A shrimpy stoner kid sauntered in; he tried to look cool, but in his eyes you saw the terror of confronting an open turd. Three women squeezed into our car, which was now standing room only.

"Hey!" one of them bubbled, pointing through the doors. "It looks like there's some room in that car!" Smiling at their discovery, they walked through. I just sat. They came back a few moments later, eyes wide, mouths crooked with horror. I started laughing.

"You could have told us!" one of them yelled at me. I kept laughing. Now, we had been at 14th St. a while. I was beginning to wonder what was going on. The p.a. system sprang to life.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking." This was going to be good. "Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we have a sick passenger, so we won't be moving for a time. You can get on a 6 train across the platform or just wait here, but I suggest you leave, because we might be here a while."

That was too much. Rick and I stumbled off the train, unable to control our laughter. There were moments after that--the cops and transit workers debating who had clean-up duty, the woman getting off the train and dropping another turd on the platform--but the "sick passenger" line was the best. When I hear that in the subways, I know it's probably a pregnant woman or someone throwing up. But it might just be someone taking a shit at her leisure. It took at extra 40 minutes to get home, and when I told my mother the story, she said I'd need better excuses in the future.

Ned Vizzini

Enjoy.