Quaint evening we are having isn't it Laddies? It's very gray outside, cloudy and raining, and as I walked along Central Park to and from my music class, the scenery was quiet pleasant and peaceful. The serenity of the whole scene was a bit odd for being in the city, but I guess many people don't like traveling outside when it's rainy.
Anyway, on my walk, I got to thinking. What am I going to do this summer? I had no idea. I mean, last summer I worked at an indie record label that, for most of the time I worked there, had a broken air conditioner--their only air conditioner--and I basically roasted to a deathly boredom as I imputed fan info into the databases. (Obviously it was a very indie, indie record label.) The summer before that one I believe I stayed home and drowned myself in books. I literally read over 100 books that summer. I swear, that was all I did. But this summer, I wanted to do something different. I don't know what "different" is exactly, but it had to do with something...like a job.
Yes, that was what had popped into my mind: Getting a J-O-B.
Now, weeks before today, I tried that. The whole "getting a job" thing. I filled out paper applications to work at Barnes & Noble, because I love books so much, I reasoned Why not work there? So I filled out the application and sent it in. This action took place in late October of 2007. It is late March of '08 and I have yet to receive word. So I'm pretty much taking a guess here and saying that my application was rejected. Anyway, on my walk, I thought of the job thing again and decided that when I got home I'll apply for a job at Borders Bookstore. Yes, the other major bookstore chain in Manhattan.
So I'm home. I start doing a lot of other things and completely forget about my intended "summer plans." Yet, after dinner, I got to talking with my mother and I casually ask my mother if we were going on a family vacation this summer. (I did and didn't want to bring this up, because of the "money thing." College tuition is a real big pain in the hoohaa and vacations can be pricey. But I really wanted to go on a vacation, so getting the thought out there is a good jumping point for negotiation.) Anyway, she mentioned Universal Studios in Orlando and I grinned with glee. Next I asked what she was planning to do with my brother, and she simply said "summer camp." The little men in my stomach began marching in their triumph. So as I began to formulate all of this information in my inactive mind (my brain has been shut off since I was a second semester senior...in HIGH SCHOOL), it occurred to me that I was going to have the whole summer to myself. Plus a vacation to Universal Studios! The little men threw their instruments aside and began to do summersaults! That meant that I could sleep in, go out whenever I pleased without having to worry about babysitting, and watch Ellen EVERY FREAKIN DAY without having to go to school or to pick someone up or really do any of the things I do now. In other words, my summer would be carefree and just for me!
I was happy and pleased with my inquiry. Then it hit me...square in the face. I was supposed to apply for a job. Because, and be honest here lads, what is a summer if you have no money? My grin fell and the glee, it all shriveled up like a prune. I began to curse at the college gods for sucking up all of the money from my checking account. My ideal summer was gone! For I had realized that even if I was able to go the summer without a job, who will I hang with? All of my friends are in college and they too had the demon college gods suck up all of their money. So they probably would all be working during the summer as well. I ended my swearing rampage and hung my head in defeat.
"I need a job." I then told my mother. She then asked me "For what?" and I told her "For the summer." She questioned "Where at?" and I responded "Borders." Then I went online, onto the Borders website and looked for the link to download their application. When I got to the page, I realized that it was an online application and I thought "Oh goody."
So I start filling it out. It asked for my Social Security Number, then my Name, Address, Phone Number, etc etc etc. Then my age, whether I'm legal to work in the United States, and if I'll submit to a background check. I said, yeah, sure, why not. Have you been convicted of a felony? No, no I haven't. A misdemeanor? Again, no I haven't. Note: The existence of a criminal history will not automatically disqualify you from the job you are applying for. Lies! Anyway, I get through the first part and finally come to the question at hand. Which job are you applying for? I click Seller and it takes me to a page that says Thank You. I click Next and it takes me to a test like thingy, apparently Part Two of the application.
So I begin the second part. For the most part the questions were okay. They were those type of questions where you had to validate the statement depending on your personality.
Example: You really like dogs.
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
Agree
Strongly Agree
Anyway, I got through the first few pages alright. They were all simple questions; You love to be with people, You are proud of the work you do, You like to plan things before hand, etc etc etc. Then it started to get into, You get annoyed at slow moving people, You like being in the middle of a big crowd, People do a lot of annoying things...Once I hit all of the nonsense questions did I notice that I was on page 7 of 25 pages of nonsense questions. You get annoyed at slow moving people. Um...when they walk really slow in front of me I get annoyed. I mean, come on, we live in New York City, people should get ticketed because they walk so slow. But if a person works slow, as long as they get their work done I have no problem. You like being in the middle of a big crowd. If everyone is paying attention to me then sure! But if I'm in the middle of huge crowd like watching a parade in NYC or in a mosh pit, then no. People do a lot of annoying things. Duh Sherlock! People do all kinds of annoying things. It's kind of hard to get passed that.
Anyway, I continued to answer the questionnaire and the question became increasingly worse. Soon I came upon the question You have been convicted of a felony and almost fell off my chair! These questions were completely redundant. The whole second part of the application was utter nonsense! Soon after, the questions just repeated themselves, except they were phrased differently. And the phrasing of the questions became stupider and stupider. You say a lot of unnecessary things that offend and upset many people's feelings. You just asked me, like three pages ago, if I do things that upset people!!! Oh but we added offends people in this question. Yeah! But you asked me that question FOUR pages ago!!! Why must you torment applicants so? I mean, it's bad enough that we have to fill out an application. Cause we all know that nobody likes filling out applications. (Unless you're a crazy person who likes to subject yourselves to such an idiotic bureaucratic procedure. Then you need to be put someplace far, far away.)
Let's just say, Laddies, that by the time I completed the application and sent it via the interweb, I was looking forward to getting the job then asking all of my coworkers, "So, didn't you just want to [throw your computer out the window, kick the TV screen in, strangle your cat, slit your wrist, etc] while you were filling out that ridiculous questionnaire?"
